Motherhood, a concept which intrigued me during most of my adolescence and offered a colorful bundle of emotions and experience when it became a reality. No, do not get me wrong , it is not a 100% rosy and out of the world blessing always, it has its own share of grey areas too…only that I did not know this before I joined the club of “mothers”.
There was a time in my life when the idea of being a mother sounded more attractive than having a devoted soulmate. I nurtured a set of ideas of “things to do” when expecting a baby and another set of “things to do” being a mother. The ideas were as romantic as having a candlelight dinner with a loved one. Beware all aspiring mothers, becoming a mother and being a mother may not be that romantic every second of this heavenly bliss. It has the same probability of turning into “matter of fact” routine as the probability of having a “break all ties” argument with the loved one with whom you just had that romantic candlelight dinner!
I thought that having a 40+ inches waistline will make me proud, (it did for some time) but the fact that I could no longer see my toes was something I took more than three months to digest! Further still, it was complete nightmare after being blessed with the baby to know that I will never be able to attain the mark of 29inches again(from where I started off) no matter how many sit ups or pilates I practice or how many hours I run(walk;) on the treadmill ( I agree this all has improved my stamina though).
Everything from holding the baby so as not to jerk his tender neck, to stop myself from crying while that tiny creature cries, was a challenge. I never understood what the attending nurse told me –crying is the baby’s language, what else will he do??!! It was so simple for her..and still so tough for me to live with.
And then came those sleepless nights. Getting up every three hours to feed him when I would take at least half an hour to be able to go back to sleep again. I am still trying to stay sane with 4-5 hours of sleep a day since last almost 3 and 1/2 years. (I had two boys quite in succession).
I remember having gone for a business trip to Amsterdam and more than the possibility of going to Keukenhof or the red light district, I was excited by the fact that I would be able to sleep five entire nights without being required to get up and tap either of the boys back to sleep. The fact was, I could not sleep well even during those 5 nights, missing and remembering them most of the time; I was so so irritated with myself.
Yes, there are so many negatives and inconveniences associated with being a mother. If I try to list them, it will take at least 3-4 more blogs. But before I write them, I want to share one moment which I experienced today and which prompted me to relive the above and write this all..
It was Adi’s first class assembly today and I had received an invite hand written by him. When he saw me there sitting in the parent’s area, he smiled and flew a kiss to me. With the guidance from his teacher, along with rest of the students of his class, he started singing….he was singing at the top of his voice, one of his favorite songs, the same which he had been practicing with me everyday since almost two weeks, correcting me when ever “I” pronounced a word incorrectly. He sang and danced ..and all the while recording the entire event in the video cam, I was smiling…to the verge of crying. Oh God!! It was great, it was beautiful, it was amazing, it was overwhelming, it was happiness, it was contentment, it was beauty….
I loved the moment and thanked God for choosing me to be a mother.
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Image Management
Image management is a skill and a very valuable one. In most of the situations, battle is half won if you can project yourself properly or rather correctly or better still, in a politically correct manner. The strength of your character and the positives associated with it may constitute your core, but a huge percentage of it may just prove unproductive if you do not know how to position yourself. A negative image ruins substantially the chances you might have otherwise caught hold of.
Yes, this is what I thought runs in the big bad outside world. The insight now is that this image game does not leave even the finer relationships untouched. I cannot stand the treacherous plots of Ekta Kapoor’s soaps (though I do salute her for changing the face of Indian television) but do believe in the simplified essence of image/impression management. Like a movie star, it does not take very long to get labeled in your own circles and even worse, in the much closer relationships. The most frustrating aspect is not the fact that you get labeled, but to know that there is hardly anything you can do to get it off your back! The biggest reason being the convenience “others” enjoy while you continue with the baggage. Their own image management exercise gets a bit easier and simplified at your cost.
Fake it, if you think it is necessary to maintain a good picture for yourself. You never know, who will join the “big bad world’s brigade” next and make every attempt to scale off your self-confidence. Do not forget, we are part of the process of evolution…survival of the fittest!
Yes, this is what I thought runs in the big bad outside world. The insight now is that this image game does not leave even the finer relationships untouched. I cannot stand the treacherous plots of Ekta Kapoor’s soaps (though I do salute her for changing the face of Indian television) but do believe in the simplified essence of image/impression management. Like a movie star, it does not take very long to get labeled in your own circles and even worse, in the much closer relationships. The most frustrating aspect is not the fact that you get labeled, but to know that there is hardly anything you can do to get it off your back! The biggest reason being the convenience “others” enjoy while you continue with the baggage. Their own image management exercise gets a bit easier and simplified at your cost.
Fake it, if you think it is necessary to maintain a good picture for yourself. You never know, who will join the “big bad world’s brigade” next and make every attempt to scale off your self-confidence. Do not forget, we are part of the process of evolution…survival of the fittest!
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Happiness: elusive??!!
Happiness is a state of mind, or is it ? Really?
It is strange to realize but emotions do not follow mathematics in life. You may have a state of life defined by achievements and possessions and ceratin negatives of regrets; still the equation may not take you to absolute happiness. At least that is what I see as the state most of the people are in (or am I surrounded by highly intelligent people who have even higher expectations out of themselves!!??)
How do we judge if we are judging our capabilities and capacities correctly? How to manage our expectations from ourselves? Where does the line draw between pushing oneself to achieve one’s best and realizing that this is my zenith, I should relax a bit now?
Very few people would actually have a correct idea about where they stand and fewer still would accept it that way. More often than not we frame our scales of success while comparing what others have achieved in life…the most cruel thing we can do to ourselves.
A sense of urgency permeates through various layers and pumps in all the energy. But it is so ironical that even after expanding all that energy in pursuing the cherished goal, the sense of security never comes in. The path, the journey becomes so insignificant with respect to the goal, the later taking all the importance and spirit of life.
May be it is easier to preach all this if one turns into an absolute passion less sage kind of person as if has seen and heard and experienced all in life…or may be this all is uttered to hide the nadir of despair and grief , an effort for survival…
Whatever goes behind the scenes, the stage performances have to continue..so pull up and get ready..certain phases of “Everything is over” may be lived through, but they are not the sustainable state of lifeJ
It is strange to realize but emotions do not follow mathematics in life. You may have a state of life defined by achievements and possessions and ceratin negatives of regrets; still the equation may not take you to absolute happiness. At least that is what I see as the state most of the people are in (or am I surrounded by highly intelligent people who have even higher expectations out of themselves!!??)
How do we judge if we are judging our capabilities and capacities correctly? How to manage our expectations from ourselves? Where does the line draw between pushing oneself to achieve one’s best and realizing that this is my zenith, I should relax a bit now?
Very few people would actually have a correct idea about where they stand and fewer still would accept it that way. More often than not we frame our scales of success while comparing what others have achieved in life…the most cruel thing we can do to ourselves.
A sense of urgency permeates through various layers and pumps in all the energy. But it is so ironical that even after expanding all that energy in pursuing the cherished goal, the sense of security never comes in. The path, the journey becomes so insignificant with respect to the goal, the later taking all the importance and spirit of life.
May be it is easier to preach all this if one turns into an absolute passion less sage kind of person as if has seen and heard and experienced all in life…or may be this all is uttered to hide the nadir of despair and grief , an effort for survival…
Whatever goes behind the scenes, the stage performances have to continue..so pull up and get ready..certain phases of “Everything is over” may be lived through, but they are not the sustainable state of lifeJ
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Reading a story
Read a story by Guy De Maupassant yesterday night..The Inn. Marvelous description of beauty turning into utter despairs and fear…fear of being alone, the pain of loneliness..Sometimes I wonder at the capacity of these writers to feel the intensity of the characters created by them or rather the planned carving of the characters..their own creations. Thousands of words come out at length to bring out the tempest of emotions, the dichotomy of virtue and vice running parallel to each other within an individual, the labyrinth of thoughts and feelings..all turned into black and white letters. Following the flow which amasses the spread of these extensions takes to an entirely different world altogether..which is fiction and yet appears so real ..the power of simplicity in an author’s work…
In past few years I have read a whole lot of books, mostly classic literature though I cannot boast to have a memory strong enough to list down their names or the names of the characters within a story. I will be at loss if asked to describe the beauty of literature which they carry…it has just entered and settled within me.
In past few years I have read a whole lot of books, mostly classic literature though I cannot boast to have a memory strong enough to list down their names or the names of the characters within a story. I will be at loss if asked to describe the beauty of literature which they carry…it has just entered and settled within me.
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